my head is spinning

My head is spinning.

What are we?

Sometimes it doesn’t feel we’re just friends

I’m not really sure what this is

Or even if there is something for it to be

My head is spinning

For some reason I get jealous when you start talking about all the girls you’ve been dating.

For some reason I overthink and over analyse all the messages you send me

And the ones I write you back

I’m not like that with my other friends;

I’m not scared to text them, to hug them, to share with them.. or whatever

I’m not afraid they’ll think I’m into them

But not with you… with you for some reason, things are different.

My head is spinning

Can you tell me why?

Can someone tell me what’s going on?

Why do I think about you 24/7?

It’s like I’m obsessed with you… with all of this

What does it mean if it means something?

This is driving me MAD.

My head is spinning.

I keep thinking about how you smile with your whole face but try to hide it at the same time - It is like you want the whole world to see how happy you are but are embarrassed by it at the same time.

I keep wondering if I’m your type and if you would go out with me.

Is this normal? Do I like women now?

Like, do I like women in general or is it something specifically about you?

Will I be able to sleep again? To think about something else?

My head is spinning

You are so clumsy and sexy at the same time.

Why is this turning into a piece about you? This is NOT about you.

Am I gay? Am I bi? How do I find out?

My head is spinning.

Suddenly a lot of things are starting to make sense in my head;

I think I WAS into Sophie after all. I DID think she was hot.

It is like all the girl attractions I had but was in denial about my whole life are coming back to me; it’s like a reel being screened in front of me.

I’m hungry.

My head is spinning.

What are you doing now? Are you watching Rick and Morty?

Can I come see you? Maybe we can lay together one your sofa?

I think I want to make out with you.

My head is spinning

Okay, I AM attracted to you.

How do I know you if you feel the same way?

Should I tell my parents? Should I come out? How does it even work?

Am I entitled to say I’m gay? To say I’m bi?

I’m confused

My head is spinning

I struggle sometimes to figure out how the world works.

The world is such a weird place.

The inside of my head is such a weird place.

Sometimes I’m pretty sure you are attracted to me.

Or is it just me wanting you to want me?

I need to start trusting my instincts. It is all about following your gut isn’t it?

My therapist says I need to start trusting my feelings;

that I should stop questioning them all the time.

If she could only tell me how to do it...

My head is spinning.

So many missed opportunities

So many experiences I could have had

So many things I could have done

So many signs I didn’t get

What a waste of time

What a waste of life

My head is spinning.

You are so full of yourself it drives me crazy.

You love being the centre of attention and I hate that you always get my full attention to yourself.

What an ego you have.

I’m pretty sure I’ve fantasised about other girls before and have definitely had big crushes on other women before, so no, this is NOT about you.

You are so fucking annoying.

I am so gay.

My head is spinning.

I pretend I don’t see you staring at me. You pretend you don’t see me staring at you.

I know you like me - but at the same time I get nothing from you. Nothing.

I get home so frustrated everytime I see you.

Sometimes I think you are scared of me -

you are so scared of being alone with me.

What are you afraid of?

I’m such an over thinker.

My head is spinning.

I need to go out with other girls. I need to meet other women.

Am I ready to have sex with you? Am I ready to be with you?

Am I ready to be bi?

Do you care? Do I care?

My head is spinning

I need to stop thinking about it.

I need to stop trying to make sense of everything… of trying to rationalise everything...

I need to stop seeing you for a while.

I need to stop thinking about you for a while.

But every time I try to do so… I miss you…

I miss the idea of you

The idea of us.

My head is spinning.

Aaaaa.